Welcome to yet another installment of “What Really Grinds My Gears”. Yeah, seems to be lately that DirtyDalerz.com has become a place to bitch and moan. Oh Nay Nay, it has definitely not. Just seems to be pure luck two posts are back to back rants. I digress, our topic today ‘The annoying people who celebrate there 21 st Birthdays at the bar’.

I have thought about writing about this topic many of times but not until recently. I was sitting at my local favorite watering hole The Nutty Irishman Farmingdale, when two girls come up to me and I get a shoulder tap. I’m sitting there enjoying a nice conversation with my friend CONNERS while these two girls stop me mid-conversation. If I don’t know you, you’re a girl and I’m talking to someone face to face and you still feel the need to speak with me please make it more important then what happen next. Ok, so the shoulder tap happens and I spin to my left and there are two good-looking girls there so naturally this does not irk me and respond “Hi, what’s up”. The girls instead of starting off with the usual “hello, my name is (insert name), How are you doing” it starts off with “I think you should buy my friend a shot”. I counter with “Why?” because I would like to know why I am spending my hard earned money on some random drunk girl. She recants with “Because its her 21 st birthday, (drunk girl screechy voice) WHoOoOoOoO!”. I look at CONNERS as if I just heard someone say “excuse me buy me a shot its my friends birthday then we are going to probably leave and try this on some other dumb guy” oh wait I DID just hear that come out of some girls mouth, maybe not so deliberately but it was pretty close.

I reacted like this “How about you start off with telling me your name and talking before you demand shots”. One of the girls then decides to make the ‘Ewe’ face like I just ripped ass after eating Taco Bell. Apparently this was too hard to ask of the girl who’s birthday it wasn’t. I then get into a little conversation with the birthday girl and ask just the basics ‘name, what she does, what spots on her body would she like me to cum on when I pull out (jk)’. I politely let her know since I really don’t know her that I’ll buy her a drink later if she finds me. She chalks it up as a ‘semi-win’ if she remembers my face later at all, which I doubt because I then see them no more then 25 minutes later trying the same old song and dance on another guy then walking away from him. To you Miss ‘I just turned 21 buy me a shot’ go kill yourself. Let me teach you something you learn with age, your supposed to pre-game before you get to the bar so just in case that whack line of “its my birthday” (god only knows if it really was) that you think is going to work on smart older guys at the bar you have another thing coming.

Only Hours after she solicited me for a shot

Next is the Birthday hoe train that comes into the bar absolutely plastered out of their mind. This group can be easily identified when the birthday girl is wearing a tiara that states “It’s my 21 st Birthday”. Yeah, you know the one they give you when you turn 2-3-4 and maybe 5 years old as a girl. Listen, You look stupid and ridiculous. Why must you need a crown to celebrate your birthday? Are you the Queen of all birthdays for this day? No, you are not there are plenty of other plastered girls out there who aren’t wearing tiara’s (who probably look better then you) but have enough respect for themselves to not look like a moron. Do me a favor just take the stupid tiara off after you come from the strip club with your girlfriends oh and on top of that the penis straws could stay at the club too. No need to drag them around all night and put them in every drink you drink unless you a really are going to have a dick in your mouth at the end of the night. Don’t get me wrong I would love to supply the dick but you look like a whore. And in that case my myspace is here. (jk) (No seriously my myspace link is right here). Your tiara is just a dead giveaway.

There is also another myth that if you just turn 21 that automatically that gives you the right to go up on stage and dance like its ‘freestyle time’ at the Soul Train. This is totally FALSE. There is a dance floor for a reason, you are not a celebrity of the night by turning 21 nor will you probably be ever so join the rest of the peasants on the dance floor and drop your 5th beer on the ground for the night instead of up on stage. ONLY EXCEPTION to this rule is, if your going to show us your cans or where babies come from. Either, or of the two are the only exceptions.

Text to eachother prior: “Omg Jill .. hrry MS pix in B-room ASAP“

Now this is not a 21st birthday thing but I think all girls suffer from this problem. Going to the bathroom to have a photoshoot. There are tons of pictures on myspace of girls at a bar/club taking pictures wit eachother in the bathroom .. on the sinks .. in the stalls. Honestly the only picture I want to see is of you either puking or you taking a piss. I’m not really into the water sports but its better then you on top of the sink with an empty Bud Light bottle trying to put on your best ‘im sexy pursed lips pose’ but in all actuality your really putting on your ‘Oh I’m not making it till 1am and I’m so throwing up all over my covers pose’. As a dude if he would go into the bathroom with his boys and have a little photo sesh? You would get punched in the face on the spot. Girls take note from the guys .. get in there do your poops/pees and get out of there and if there are any paper towels left wash your hands (lol). Oh on the way out .. check your feet cause you probably have some toilet paper stuck to your shoe. Yes you will look retarded walking around with a tiara an empty bud light and a foot long sheet of charmin hanging off your shoe. Do us a favor check your feet before you leave the bathroom, because chances are when you take it off outside the bathroom someone else will be stuck with your chore of picking up toilet paper off the ground.

Don’t e-mail me or message me on myspace saying that “oh brian your just jealous or stop hating” because you know what I’m just stating the truth and if someone wants to contest it fine write me and i’ll post it here. This is more like me just stating the obvious of what everyone else is thinking in the bar so just take it as a helpful hint when celebrating your 21 st birthday you up-and-comers.

(John gets semi-credit for content in this article)

Ladies and Gentlemen He is back. The overly intoxicated, hilarious and downright nasty Bobby Light. This time he was out drinking in the Hamptons for his friend Charlie’s birthday when he just felt the need to get some candy from a convenience store and then pump some gas. All while doing so in his now famous Red and Black Tiger pattern thong. Hilarity ensues at the expense of others. The videos are slow to get to the action but when they do you will truely enjoy the video.

*Girls are going to find this post gross but for the select few who can see this as something just funny that I’m talking about then thanks, for the girls that are disgusted tough shit. Literally.*

It’s common for guys when they are in there own guy packs that they talk about taking shits and such. It’s a common conversation. Here is how a conversation might go:

Ricky: “What’s up man”
Bobby: “Nothing man chillen”
Ricky: “You are not going to believe the shit I took today”
Bobby: “Please go on”
Ricky: “So I was at the gym and I had a protein shake before hand and I was halfway through my workout when my stomach started rumbling. I immediately dropped the weights and ran to the bathroom and did work. I sat there for 10 minutes and produced the longest log of shit in my life. Honestly it had to measure up to at least 13-14 inches. I took my shoe off just to use as a size comparison as if you would use a quarter to show how big something is. Awesome right?”
Bobby: “Thats fucking sick dude! .. did you get a picture”
Ricky: “Yep, right here on my camera phone”
:: Shows Camera Phone Picture ::
Bobby: “Send it to me my friends won’t believe the story”

Yes, that is how many conversations in my life have gone. Ladies open up your mans phone and look through his pictures there HAS to be one picture of a shit that he is so proud of. To this day my brother Tom has a picture of a shit he took back in college when he was dorming at Adelphi as a Polaroid. Dead serious.

Well here comes my story of shitting. I been taking all sorts of supplements trying to bulk up for the summer and shed weight at the same time. My stomach seriously is in shambles at times. I usually am able to regulate it with eating things more fibrous to help me poop. Well 2 days passed and no poop. No problem, man created something to help called ex-lax (or the cheap Walgreens version called ‘SUPER LAX’). I splurged the $5 for a blister pack of 20 to help with the passing of waste.

I read the back of the box and it says it should help you pass from 1/2 hour to 6 hours after taking it. It also suggests that you take 2 pills every 12 hours for good results a.k.a. so you basically have a laxative induced enema. I pop two of these green bad boys and down a bottle of water and play the waiting game. 11 a.m. rolls around and nothing not even a rumbling in my stomach. 1 p.m. rolls around, still nothing not even a fart even after eating grilled chicken and vegetables only 20 minutes prior. Now its 3 p.m. and I leave in an hour, seriously nothing is happening. 3:50 and 25seconds there is an explosion in my stomach. Honestly I farted into my desk chair and nearly shit myself. I had to fucking DUCK speed walk to the bathroom so I wouldn’t mess my pants.

There are only 3 Stalls and two of them were taken. Thank god the last one was open. I run/walk/waddle all the way to the last one that is open and I swear I turned my jeans into those ones you can rip off like the NBA players wear. Pants came off in a snap. I barely got my ass over the bowl until BRATTTATTTAAAAAAATTTTTTAAAATTTA ….. BRAAATTTATAATATATATATATTAAAATTAA. As sick as I am, I’m laughing the whole time. My stomach is in knots but I’m just worrying I’m not losing a vital organ in the toilet. This all goes on for about 5-7 minutes. The bulk of the load made its way out on the intial explosion, but the quantity was there.

This is where the story gets really funny. Now you’ll only appreciate this story if you have seen the movie “Problem Child” and if you haven’t seen the movie seriously your a moron. In the movie Junior (the ‘problem child’) has a mooching grandpa who has a dog named “Spunky”. Well Junior gets the idea to feed him this new dog food that is out that looks disgusting. He feeds it to poor old Spunky and they cut away then cut back to him. There is a MOUNT of shit about 6 feet high and the dog is just a little old 1 foot long terrier. Where does this play into my story?

Well I’m done with my shit and I get up to clean up this mess and look back (come on who doesn’t admire there own damage from time to time) and I shit you not (no pun intended) there was a pile about 7-8 inches high in the toilet so much so that half of the 7-8 inches of shit was above water. Yes, I produced enough shit that the water level could not contain it. I did not have my camera on me to depict this masterful one of a time shit but I will provide an artists rendering of the scene (just like they do in court).

Moral of the story: If your going to take any sort of laxative, Do it at your own risk and do it at home so if you DO mess yourself you can take care of it shamefully in your house and not at work. Because seriously who keeps a spare change of clothes for the chance they might shit yourself (learned my lesson). Oh one more lesson my brother Tom has I.B.S..

As the spring is approaching there were many doubts that the Dalerz would be fielding a team. Many gambling issues have plagued our superstars from Farmingdale. Many of them accruing debts!!!! But as all hopes had faded on the DirtyDalerz fielding a team for the 5th season, three of which have ended with playoff runs, a light shined toward 12 Taylor road. As John Cinelli emerged from his room at 3 o’clock in the afternoon after a hibernation of sorts, he made it his quest to bring the DirtyDalerz to prominence!!!!

He embarked on his journey to the Jew land of Bruce at WESCO to register the DirtyDalerz. So now since Bruce told him the only way we would get a spot is that John would have to sleep with his Mother who works in the back of the sweatshop he calls a store, John looked down at the floor and said a prayer before he went behind the curtains to secure us a spot in Wesco. John was in utter disgust at the things that sweet old lady made him do, however he did go on to say “Don’t let her old age fool you the old broad has some fight left in her.” Simply and utterly GROSS! But John took the bullet for the team and got the DirtyDalerz registered for the 2008 Season

Finally, the roster for this years team is totally askew from what it was seasons past…A few additions as well as a few subtractions went on. Parting ways with the team are: Walter Celenski, Tommy Hind, Danny Hilton, Bobby Horan and POPS. Agreements could not be reached on these five players contracts as well as one of them being sent into police protection because he has fallen off the face of the earth and doesn’t return other peoples calls. Gentelmen this is your offical DirtyDalerz goodbye! However with every gloomy day there is a ray of sunshine. Those rays of Light come in the form of: Kenny Kruger, Brian Harris, Chris Harris, Pat Frizell, Ryan Heller and Rob Crank. An excerpt from the Newsday newspaper of Long Island goes on to say, “With the additions of these six players the Dalerz may have just solidified themselves as a more potent force to be reckoned with in the Wesco League.” As we had hoped in these off season acquisitions which the team has high hopes for.

Now its time for the player profile portion of this post which has been given before every single DirtyDalerz season:

Dennis Treubig: Amazing middle infielder who resides at second base for the Dalerz and is simply a specimen to watch as he seems to have a motor that never ceases. He is also a solid hitter and an even better base runner. Dennis is also coming off an offseason shoulder surgery that we can only pray turns his arm into that of Henry Rowingardners.

Chris “Nacho” Caraballo: Part of the Outfield with a solid arm and a great understanding of certain fielding situations. Nacho also adds great base running ability and aspires to lead the team in runs this year. Nacho had very solid hitting numbers last year hitting an impressive .557 and hopes to transfer that to this year as well.

Tommy Cinelli: Part of the Deadly Duo of the middle infield he plays Shortstop for the Dalerz. Tommy even tho he doesn’t look it has great range and has a knack for turning double plays. Tommy is a hit machine as he led the Dalerz last year with the most Hits (52) and even the most doubles (19) and he is always productive in the lineup and is also league leader in starting fights with other teams (5). We know what to expect from him and its PRODUCTION!

Charlie Spahr: A member of the Outfield Charlie is as solid as they come and rarely drops balls hit to him. He also is one of the more solid hitters on the Dalerz squad and led the team with singles (31) and simply gets on base to bring in runs. Charlie also has collected more Marlboro Miles than any other player in the Wesco League. Charlie will get on base and will bring in runs.

Brian Cinelli: The most solid Outfielder the Dalerz have with a hose for an arm and deceptively good speed he can get to balls that would normally drop in for hits. Brian bats at the bottom of the lineup not because he is the worst hitter but because we expect him to ignite the start of the lineup with his slap hitting style and speed.

Adam Kruger: Will be pitching full time this year if “Pops” cannot reach a deal before the season. Adam is a very solid pitcher and after pitching behind the legend for a couple of seasons he looks ready to take over duties full time. Adam is a solid hitter in the lineup and is always poised to hit for power as well as crash his motorcycle at least once this season. Adam please wear your helmet.

John Cinelli: Plays First base for the Dalerz and shows great ability to pick balls that shouldnt be caught. John is the Power of this Dalerz team by leading the team in homeruns (12) and also brings in runs by leading in rbi’s (53). John has been hitting up the Nautilus machine all year long and conspires to surpass the home run record this year held previously at (14).

These men that have been “profiled” are the returners from last years team… With Bojo in contract negotiations still so its a look to the future with Kenny, Brian, Chris, Pat, Ryan and Rob these 6 guys could finally give the Dalerz the official lift it needs to win that elusive League Championship….

Listen, everyone who knows me, knows at times I can be very brash and forthcoming when it comes to situations I am really thrust into and have no time to soak it all in. Well point and case of this being what went down this past Sunday. Let me set this up for you in a way you can totally understand. I had a great Sunday morning woke up next to my gorgeous girlfriend Kristin, shared a few morning kisses, laid in bed and totally just relaxed to the fullest and had a great start to the day. Then, we got ready and went to lunch and had an amazing time and just really enjoyed each others company. Finally upon leaving she asks me a harmless question (or so I thought at the time) “hey babe do you want to go to IKEA with me to get some things?” I was like sure lets do it, I have nothing planned and im sure it will be fine, you know just doing the boyfriend thing…OH GOD HOW WRONG I WAS…

We arrive at IKEA only to a parking lot that holds up to 20 cars and there is nothing but pure gridlock to find a parking space, I could of sworn I saw an old lady get out of her car with a knife and stab a man who had stolen her parking spot…I totally thought it was my mind making it up so I just turned my head in fear that the old lady saw me and wanted no witnesses so I told Kristin (who was driving) to speed up a bit because I saw a parking spot that looked empty (little did she know I was in fear of the Grandma with a knife who had just commited murder). Let this go as a note and I know im beating a dead horse with this but dont let the elderly fool you, they have a lot of fight still left in them…MOVING ON…Okay so we find a parking spot after 15 minutes and then get out and head towards IKEA…Upon leaving im looking around to see all the other shoppers….In my mind Im pointing shit out….Jew, Chinese, Black, Spanish, Jew, Jew, Chinese, Chinese, CHINESE, CHINESE….and I started thinking to myself is there like a Casting call for the new godzilla movie going on inside IKEA because I felt as if everywhere I turned there was an Oriental….but it didnt phase me because I had my girl by my side and we were gonna go get some “stuff” and just enjoy each others company…(OH I WAS SO WRONG)…Let me remind everyone because I failed to mention in the beginning that this is my first time to IKEA…Ya so all the people who are reading this and knew before hand what I was getting myself into you can all suck a huge dick….lol….

Okay we get in there and it starts out nice, pretty crowded but its a Sunday….people go shopping on Sundays and thats cool and whatever but as soon as we turned the first corner it was pure CHAOS….now keep in mind IKEA likes to have huge, elaborate display cases of how rooms should be…and girls go, “oh wow I wish I had a room like that and go hey dont you babe?” and all your thinking to yourself is the next person who is walking behind me and gives me a flat tire, im gonna bash there fuckin skull in…..so you oblige her question with a “ya hunny its awesome” (cant afford it) but you play along…then about 30 seconds into the whole thing your totally uninterested in the fact of cool futons and couches and bed sheets and crazy leather pillows, you start to realize that every huge display of beds and chairs and couches are being used by the most disgusting people to either lay down or sit on or even tie your shoe on, even maybe change a babies diaper or two lol…and you think to yourself this is FUCKING GROSS….the farts being blasted into each and every piece of furniture this place has puts you in a frenzy of “BABE DONT TOUCH ANYTHING” lol not to mention the boogers, coughs and who knows if some dude just got back from the bathroom and took a huge dump and had some fudge fingers becasue he didnt whipe properly and then was rubbing it on everything (I know its a little graphic but these are the things running thru my head) you fear that you might contract the AIDS virus or some weird disease…

But you push forward and just try desperately not to breathe in to deeply…
So your walking around all these displays trying to force room for yourself to walk because IKEA probably thought it was funny when they made the walk room only big enough for a small child to walk comfortably and everyone walking is no joke dick to butt with everyone and the width is not enough to walk side by side….So as I’m walking I start launching shit with my feet and legs…Im kicking desk chairs, Lamps, Couches…Little ASIAN KIDS….pushing someone in there wheelchair out of the way….Hey listen its a dog eat dog world when it comes to IKEA and I was starting to Realize this….Well we keep on walking and have yet to come across what Kristin was looking for, so at this point I’m so in the RACIST zone its not even funny….Every walk of life was irritating me and I had some less than kind words to describe everyone…Then the creme de la creme of it all was when we entered the CHILDREN CENTER…Now I don’t know if parents knew this but its not a fucking Babysitting center and just leave your kids to play with all the different bedrooms and you’ll finish your shopping and come back to get them at your convience…What is Wrong with these people…MR.PEDIFILE could easily hit up IKEA because its a hot bed for little kids who are Unattended and lure those helpless kiddies with candies….OMG and to top it off I see little Pablito (little spanish boy) who is just sitting in this little display spinning on this cool little kiddie chair and his mother goes “IM LEAFING CHU HERE”(remember she is of spanish descent for all the you with a problem in spanish ebonics that means I am leaving you here) mind you that this boy was only roughly 3 yrs of age and his mom actually left him there….She walked around the corner and Pablito was still spinning on the chair….LOL What the FUCK!!! well I could’nt help him out because the crowd was pushing me forward because lets face it these people are animals in IKEA…We finally make it out of the “Display Department” and I thought this nightmare was over….OH WAS I WRONG…. there is a “WHOLESALE” department aka the shit is so dirt cheap that everyone rushes through the display part of IKEA only to get to the Half broken shit down in WHOLESALE….OH YESS….

What my eyes saw at that very moment we made it down the stairs was something out of a movie….there was people everywhere…Laying in hammocks, sitting in chairs, eating food, Pooping on the floor, Flying Kites….okay the pooping never happend but I could of sworn I saw a Kite or two….but seriously it was as if American law was gone and anarchy was the main stay….there was kids jumping from one huge storage rack to the next one with a 20 foot drop that was nothing but pure concrete to break there falls….there was congragations of sorts….I even no joke saw a NUN and she must of been getting her Shop on because the Convent needed better kneelers for the chairs or some shit….but anyway it was pure Insanity….finally Kristin found something she liked and we picked it up…what was it you ask….A PICTURE FRAME!!! are you kidding me?!?! I went through all that shit for a PICTURE FRAME….GOD I REALLY LOVE THIS GIRL!!! lol well I didnt mind but I just really wanted out of that fucking store…so we pay for the frame and leave and what do I see upon leaving…..the whole congragation of a jewish temple with there yamakas and lil curls flowing ever so freely and if you know me I just cant hold it in….I DIE….but that wasnt it….I see a gaggle of Asains trying to fit this humongous piece of furniture in the back seat of a compact car….oh those asians may be good at math but they lack in the common sense department so of course I do a couple of asian jokes, do a couple of well placed “Hiyaaaas” and call it a day…..However the capper to this was that IKEA leaves twine out so you can kind of makeshift tie down shit to the roof of your car in hopes that it will fall off on the 106/107 or the LIE and cause serious damage to others….but what I saw this young kid do was priceless….he must of unraveled about 35 feet of twine and proceeded to tie his little brother to the poll that was next to his car…my god….where are the parents of these kids?!? Oh yea thats right they must of left them in the Children’s Rooms department and went to go buy a new family step stool or some shit….who knows….

Finally we make it back to the car and im just so happy to be out of that HELL HOLE….I give Kristin a kiss and we leave the parking lot and make our way home and she could tell I was a little frazzled from the whole experience and it being my first time and all so she took me to get an ITALIAN ICE…..OH BOY was I happy….so the moral of the story is this….If you go to IKEA bring some PURELL and a breathing mask….and another side moral is this….Girls if you make your man go to a place that isn’t really up his alley…but he does it out of sheer love for you…make sure you get him an italian ice afterwards because it will totally make up for it….lol that is all for now…PS IKEA SUCKS…..PPS My thoughts are with you PABLITO

I am always full of fun stories and such that people love to hear. Hence why I’m in the process of writing a book about my adventures in life from regular life experiences and then the sexual experiences I have gone through. Most of them are HILARIOUS while some just straight up gross, and a few normal good ones here and there. Well since I been lacking in updating the site why not break out a chapter of my book onto here to promote it while I write it. This chapter is called “Worse then licking a 9 Volt Battery”.

—— Start of Story ——

This story happened around maybe summertime before 10th grade as my memory serves me right. I had still not had sex yet let alone get very far in my sexual adventures so I was due to have a softball thrown my way. If I had known that the softball would come in the form of the most disgusting vagina I have ever smelt or licked. I would have let the pitch go by for a strike out. Everyone knows there is nothing more embarrassing then striking out in softball but I would gladly take the abuse and embarrassment then to ever go through this again.

My best friend Charlie Spahr was known for throwing some sick parties back in the day and I believe this party took place in the summer. I always invited tons of people and so did Charlie from either work or just different groups of friends just to up the ‘cool’ factor and have an array of people at his house. Well I had been working at Adventureland that summer in the arcade either dealing out change or working the ticket counter for prizes. It was a decent job for a kid who just wanted some extra pocket change. I met tons of cool people too while working there also who I’m still friends with to this day.

There was this one girl who I thought was cute. I mean I got to see her in the gay uniforms at work everyday (referee tops) and black pants or shorts. She wore those black yoga pants which basically doesn’t leave much to the imagination and was never rocking a camel toe which every girl seems to suffer from while wearing those pants. She was well put together while at work. She had dark hair with little blond highlights, decent chest, sick tight ass and a decent face with barely any blemishes.

We would always flirt at work and play around with each other. One of the guys I used to pal around with when I was working there was trying to put in the good word for me there, and did so successfully. She was diggin’ me and I was diggin her.

One day Charlie tells me to invite some girls over we are going to have a bash at his house his parents are away so that meant we could be as loud as we wanted and could stay up as late partying as we wanted so this was a big deal. After I pass her while she is outside working one of the games they totally rip you off at, I come back and ask her if her and her friends want to come to a party my friend is throwing which isn’t far from work in Farmingdale. She says yes, and I proceed to get her number and start thinking in my head ‘OMG! Brian your so getting some ass tonight!!’. We part ways and I finish working the rest of the day.

I have never rode my bike home as quick as I rode it home that day. Yes! I rode my bike to Adventureland every day to work, give me a fucking break I was like 15 and had no other way of getting there. I get home shower and jerk off because no one wants to be a 2 pump chump (yeah, like I was going get laid it was just an excuse to squeeze out some knuckle children) when I finally do get my junk touched by someone else then myself … who is a girl. That’s a trick of the trade; release the baby batter that’s been on deck for a while so you last longer when you get down to business.

Charlie then picks me up and we proceed to get beer illegally with someone’s ID. We get the brew and head back to his house to prepare. The girl called me and told me she was on her way. I was like “What the fuck, I need to help Charlie set up, get things rolling and drink our first brews of the night”. I inform Charlie so we set up quicker and she comes with two other people. This is where it gets fucking real interesting.

She looks like she is dressed like she just came out of a trailer park, which I later found out she was from a trashy part of her town after the fact. It gets better, In tow she has a dude with spiked punk cut hair with a cut off “bad religion” shirt and a girl who looks like she is 13 and is blond who has a 6-pack of Smirnoff ices under her arm. Right then and there I should of told them party was cancelled please go back to Walmart I hear they are having a two-for one on anything you want please leave. No, my best friend Charlie who I wanted to kill after this maneuver goes “Welcome to the Party! There is ice upstairs to put your beer in and we got the BBQ fired up in a few”. Thanks Charlie I’ll be kicking you in the balls later.

People start showing up after and I’m getting drunk of course so I set my sight on the if you can call it a so-called prize and start operation ‘get my dick touched’. I start talking and her two friends are basically on top of us because they have been outcasted by the rest of the party because A) the girl looks like she is 13 and B) the dude looks like he is going to break a beer bottle and stab someone with it if they cross him. I do not make this shit up.

We get to talking and I come to find out the kid with spiky hair is her ex. My thoughts are “good move dip shit you told her she could invite anyone”. To my surprise he was totally cool with me talking to her, but I sensed the vibe it was only cool because he probably had his way with her prior to her coming there. I tried not to think about Mr. Bad Religion plowing out the girl I wanted to get with.

Apparently, I’m making some headway and sound somewhat interesting to this girl so I start to hint towards the “hey touch my dick” lines. Well not as blunt but I asked her if she wanted to go down to Charlie’s bed room (yes, Charlie this is where I get you back) and get this no-pants party started. I have a nice buzz going at this point and couldn’t tell you how far along she was but not as bad as me.

We get down to the room and just sit on the bed, start talking and giggling. Its first move time and back then I was the biggest pussy but, I went in for the kill and gave her a kiss. She tasted like cigarettes. Ew! This is starting off great. We are awkwardly positioned so I ask “Want to lay down?”, I’m so slick. We laid down and I’m thinking to myself “Well Brian I know you wish she was in her work clothes and she fucked up any chances of you ever liking her again because she looks like a trailer trash kid but you might as well just see how far you can take things tonight and get your rocks off”. For once I wish I could go back in time and kick myself in the balls for what happened next.

We start making out and such, then we begin to grind up on each other. Of course that wakes my junk up and she is aroused too. I feel her up, she has a decent rack like I said before so that was a plus (basically the only plus of this hook up). Then it comes down to the nitty gritty of who makes the move to the pants first. She was a little hesitant but was feeling around down in that general area, but was slow to get to the point. I decided lets get this show on the road. With my hands moving ever so slowly I slide my hands down her pants and massage the lower abdominal area above the vagina, to tease a little. All the while we are kissing and this is where she gets the feeling and pushes my arm down into meat wallet. Slowly I start with the fingering and such, she is soaking wet and everything is going fine at the moment. She then decides to slip her pants off. Now this is where I go “this is a girl after my own heart .. or a complete slut that wants to get boned the fuck up”. The pants come off and the underwear is still on, which is a clear sign of ‘no sex yet just play time’. I forgot to mention I have shorts and she can feel me hard as a rock, which her hand finds every now and again.

This is where the story goes absolutely to shit. As every guy does the old “check the stench/smell get the fingers within 6-8 inches of the face” to make sure there isn’t a bad smell coming off. She passed the test .. or so I thought. We are going at it like the kids we are making out passionately while I finger her still. Then she whispers “lick my pussy” and momma didn’t raise no fool if I say no she is going to shut down shop. I oblige and start to head down there. I start to smell something … I shake it off as I keep going down more but the smell keeps getting worse and worse. I was like is it Charlie’s bed? Is there like a sunken in fart that I knocked out of the bed? Next thing you know I’m nose to vagina with this girls pussy, and I’m staring at it like “oh my god, I think I found what smells”. Now what is a guy to do? Do you stop right then and there and embarrass the girl and tell her that she needs to hit that pussy with some soap or do you act like a trooper and suck it up. Since I do have to work with this girl in the future I pick the latter and decide to suck it up. I squint my eyes and dive in.

WHAT THE FUCK! IT TASTES LIKE I JUST LICKED A 9 VOLT BATTERY! Absolutely the worst taste I have ever tasted in my life, let alone the smell of her pussy was like the mixture of sauerkraut, sweaty armpits and bad deli meat. Now I know I have skill down there but seriously that does not matter worth a shit at this point .. I gag. She then pokes her head up and goes “Brian What’s wrong?”, I go “nothing”. So again I’m face to face with this smelly pussy thinking “ok I’m seriously going to wind up puking on this girls stomach”. I go in for one more crack at it .. I have had enough, I gag again. I then have revenge on my mind because I know if my dick smelt that bad the girl would DEFINITELY make it known to me once that shit hits her mouth. While I still have her taste and stench in my mouth and on my lips I hurry up and plant the biggest kiss on her.

She then makes the I just ate a lemon face but knows it’s her taste and smell all over her face now and takes it all in. Revenge has been had. This girl just got a taste of her own medicine and she did not like it at all. She proceeds to stop kissing me and looks at me in horror. I just am looking into her eyes like “yes bitch this is what I just had to put in my mouth, hit that thing with some Lysol and some antibacterial soap”. I don’t say that buy my eyes say everything. She is mortified. Charlie then knocks on his door because he knows I am defiling his bed without asking first. THANK GOD. This is the only reason why I didn’t kick him in the balls upon opening the door because he gave me an excuse to stop.

She quickly puts her cloths back on while I tuck my boner into my waistband (the up tuck) and we open the door for Charlie. She does not say a word to me all night during the rest of the party. Let alone her two friends are wasted, the blond is basically out of her face drunk all over the place and Mr. Bad Religion is trying to hit that. She quickly re-convenes with her friends and asks to leave.

You know how awkward it must have been to have to look the person in the face that just went down on you and you smelt like an old sweaty baseball hat? She got the hint. She wound up getting picked up no less then 20 minutes later and said a lightening quick goodbye to me and Charlie. The girl did not talk to me for the rest of the summer. We exchanged glances at work and a smile but that was the extent of anything between us again.

—— End of Story ——

The moral of the story is, if you attempt to date or hook up with someone from work go out on a date first or get some information on where she is from or how she is outside of work. Oh and for the ladies, Clean Your shit up! If you know your not fresh down there DON’T HAVE SOMEONE GO DOWN ON YOU. Luckily I have not had an incident like this after this one. I would like to think I got this experience out of the way early in life. Lucky for me I guess.